Tag Archives: terrible

Boner bummer: Worst Celeb Butts

So, as any avid reader of the Truthfully Lying blog knows we recently did a post on the finest celebrity butts on the market. It was a truly stunning piece of internet journalism and i’m sure it will be nominated for whatever the pulitzer prize is for online publishing. Let’s hope Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen are all cleaned up by then and are available to hand the golden mouse to us.

You know, those two should really hook up, can you imagine the competition they would have of trying to outdo each other for media attention? My money is on Sheen for having an orgy in a u-haul that crashes into the zoo which in turn releases Lions into Los Angeles that immediately sniff out the decaying body of Gary Busey and pounce. But I digress.

The real purpose of this post is to counter our previous post with one that will make your eyes water and possibly result in you lying on the floor in the fetal position sobbing uncontrollably. We give you……the worst female celebrity asses.

Ke$ha
Not only is she extremely pale and not nearly as trashy in a bikini as she may appear in a music video but she could probably be used as a stiff board for the next NFL player who gets his head taken off by James Harrison. I can just picture Al Michaels making the announcment now “And they are bringing Kesha out on the cart to keep Vince Young prone now”

Tara Reid
There were much more unflattering bikini pictures of Tara’s ass but in an effort to keep my lunch in it’s rightful spot I was unable to use them.

Notice how Tara uses a pair of low cut jeans to accentuate the fact that she has absolutely nothing to bring to a booty shake contest. She will not be “tagged in” by Nick Cannon or whoever ran that stupid dance contest show anytime soon.

Victoria “Posh” Beckham

Ahhh the only relevant spice girl, and that is using the term relevant very, very loosely. Unfortunately it appears her bum also saw Spice World or heard any of their albums and decided it wanted no part of what the future held. Probably a sound decision.

To be fair, i’m sure she couldn’t care what the blogosphere  says, she has a multi-millionaire husband who’s looks appear to be favoured by a number of ladies, and she can shop till she drops in an effort to find clothes that will help make that hiney look better.

Worst NHL contracts on the books

In our  continued effort to point out how we could easily be better GMs than a number of people currently holding that position in the NHL, we would like to take a moment to highlight some of the worst contracts currently on the books for NHL teams. It may be the ridiculous overvaluation of a player, the length of the contract or the fact that it is hamstringing their salary cap but one thing is for sure – these GMs must have been choking on their crystal meth pipes when they signed these.

Thomas Vanek (Buffalo Sabres)– $6.4 million for 3 more years, cap hit $7 /year
To be fair to Buffalo their hand was forced by a ridiculous offer sheet from Edmonton oilers GM Kevin Lowe. They matched and they have a 25-35 goal scorer who is not even remotely consistent.

Jay Bouwmeester (Calgary Flames) – $6.6 million for 3 more years, same cap hit
No shocker that one of the worst signings can be attributed to Darryl Sutter, hell you could make an entire list of terrible signings from him. This one was just a complete overvaluation for a good defenceman. $6.6 mil a year will buy you Dustin Byfuglien AND Brent Seabrook.

Shawn Horcoff (Edmonton Oilers) – $6.5, 6.0, 4.0 with $5.5 cap hit for next 3 years
Ahh it’s good to be an NHL player in Alberta, overpayments are in adundance. The sheer fact that Horcoff and his agent were able to get this out of the Oilers just proves how clueless Kevin Lowe is.

Scott Gomez (Montreal Canadiens via NY Rangers) – $7.5, 5.5, 4.5 with $7/year cap hit for next three years
Glen Sather must have taught Darryl Sutter and Kevin Lowe everything he knows because he is the original monopoly man, throwing money around like it is nothing. Over the years he has had so many bad signings it’s tough to list them all. Unfortunately for Montreal, they were dumb enough to trade for the perennial underperformer who has averaged under 14.2 goals a season over the past 4 years.

Ilya Kovalchuk (New Jersey Devils) – $6.667 cap hit for the next…..15 years. No big deal
What else can you say that hasn’t been said. To be fair, Ilya is an impressive -29 this year.

Rick Dipietro (NY Islanders) – $4.5 mil/year until 2021 same cap hit
Well thank god Charles Wang locked up his injury prone goaltender situation for one and a half decades when he did. Without that signing they may have actually been able to build a decent team around a decent goaltender.

 Wade Redden (NY Rangers) – $6.5, 5.0, 5.0 with a cap hit of $6.5…if he played in the NHL
Ah Mr. Sather makes another appearance on the list. Good work Slats. Glen has been the GM for the Rangers for 10 years now and has signed superstars such as Chis Drury, Scott Gomez, Bobby Holik, Eric Lindros, and Pavel Bure to long term contracts. None of them really worked out, but that doesn’t phase Slats from returning to that vault and minting more money for players that don’t deserve it.

Sergei Gonchar (Ottawa Senators) – $5.5/year for 2 more years with same cap hit
In a move that didn’t really make a whole lot of sense Bryan Murray signed Sergei Gonchar to a 3 year deal during the last offseason. He already had offensive players that are questionable at defence in Chris Campoli and Erik Karlsson.

Mike Komisarek (Toronto Maple Leafs) – $6.0, 5.5, 3.5, 3.5 cap hit of $4.5 per year
At what point does a defenceman that averages 15 points, + 4, and 110 PIMs turn into a contract that pays him $6 million dollars and averages $4.5 million over five years. Can’t even put into words what a misappropriation of funds that is.

Sure we’ve left plenty off this list so feel free to list your favourite contract on the market right now.

Modern day vikings

I spent yesterday evening watching the rather humorous and totally entertaining movie How to Train Your Dragon, highly recommended. The main characters are vikings, albeit they are nicer than their historical brethren who had a history of making voyages to rape and pillage villages and towns. Well this morning when I woke up I did not think that I would come face to face with a modern day viking.

You see when I was younger I was a whole lot dumber, really really really dumb in fact and that’s when I first ran into vikings. They had taken over a building in this magical thing called a Auto Mall where they erect their modern day homes and proceed to procreate some of the meanest and toughest clans around. This particularly nasty, slimy, and dirty clan went by the initials GM, which is probably the initials of the head clansman. Anyways I walked into this Viking Village to purchase a boat and before I knew it I was being raped and pillaged of my hard earned money. To be fair, it was a mutual raping at this point and I thought I was coming out with something worth my fortunes. What I was really doing was being taught how to bend over, drop my pants, have a sock stuffed into my mouth and then have Thor’s hammer shoved all the way up my ass.

It wasn’t a quick raping though, Vikings are smart. They try to lull you into a happy space with guarantees that they won’t pillage you for so many years for buying a boat off of them. But once that guarantee runs out boy your boat seems to magically start to develop cracks and leaks and both of your automatic key fobs that are the only way to board the boat without it going into an annoying alarmed frenzy don’t work even though you have just had the boat for less than 5 years. Vikings have advanced technology, it’s shitty technology, but they put it their anyways to placate the rapees.

Now once your guarantees run out that is when the Vikings really go to work on your exposed ass and just rape and pillage the shit out of you. You see Vikings even charge you for their efforts to figure out why they are raping you, it’s called a “diagnosis cost”. Even though the boat was viking made, they have no idea why it is falling apart and doing crazy things. This just in Vikings – the diagnosis is you made a shitty boat, with crappy parts and yet you try to play it off as if people are making good investments by buying them from you.

Buying boats or any other vehicles from Vikings is the WORST investment in the history of man. You will always come out on the wrong side. That boat that you bought from them 5 years ago for ohhhh lets say 30 gold flugerands is not worth a paltry 5 gold flugarands. Add into that the 5 gold flugarands you’ve had to pay for upkeep and you have really been pillaged good. And what do you have to show for it? A boat that will keep the vikings raping and pillaging you.

The moral of this rant…..Don’t EVER buy a new boat, always buy something used. Even if you have to pump a large chunk of money into it over the years you are still coming out ahead of buying a new boat. Oh and one more tip… NEVER EVER EVER EVER BUY GENERAL MOTORS. Forget the whole “Buy American” thing. I’ll “Buy American” or “Buy Canadian” when you start producing a decent fucking car that doesn’t have the most retarded and annoying problems, i’m sure for a couple more dollars you could put actual parts in the vehicle that won’t disintegrate right on target with your warranty. Oh right, I meant boat not car. Goddamn vikings have me riled up. Seriously don’t buy a GM.

Oh and just so you all know, you’ve all been raped by a Viking. “But I don’t have a boat” you say. Doesn’t matter, people decided that they didn’t want to be raped and pillaged by these vikings. So they decided to rape and pillage the government (ie. YOU) for money so they could continue to build shitty boats and go on with their raping and pillaging. How’s your ass feel now?