I spent yesterday evening watching the rather humorous and totally entertaining movie How to Train Your Dragon, highly recommended. The main characters are vikings, albeit they are nicer than their historical brethren who had a history of making voyages to rape and pillage villages and towns. Well this morning when I woke up I did not think that I would come face to face with a modern day viking.
You see when I was younger I was a whole lot dumber, really really really dumb in fact and that’s when I first ran into vikings. They had taken over a building in this magical thing called a Auto Mall where they erect their modern day homes and proceed to procreate some of the meanest and toughest clans around. This particularly nasty, slimy, and dirty clan went by the initials GM, which is probably the initials of the head clansman. Anyways I walked into this Viking Village to purchase a boat and before I knew it I was being raped and pillaged of my hard earned money. To be fair, it was a mutual raping at this point and I thought I was coming out with something worth my fortunes. What I was really doing was being taught how to bend over, drop my pants, have a sock stuffed into my mouth and then have Thor’s hammer shoved all the way up my ass.
It wasn’t a quick raping though, Vikings are smart. They try to lull you into a happy space with guarantees that they won’t pillage you for so many years for buying a boat off of them. But once that guarantee runs out boy your boat seems to magically start to develop cracks and leaks and both of your automatic key fobs that are the only way to board the boat without it going into an annoying alarmed frenzy don’t work even though you have just had the boat for less than 5 years. Vikings have advanced technology, it’s shitty technology, but they put it their anyways to placate the rapees.
Now once your guarantees run out that is when the Vikings really go to work on your exposed ass and just rape and pillage the shit out of you. You see Vikings even charge you for their efforts to figure out why they are raping you, it’s called a “diagnosis cost”. Even though the boat was viking made, they have no idea why it is falling apart and doing crazy things. This just in Vikings – the diagnosis is you made a shitty boat, with crappy parts and yet you try to play it off as if people are making good investments by buying them from you.
Buying boats or any other vehicles from Vikings is the WORST investment in the history of man. You will always come out on the wrong side. That boat that you bought from them 5 years ago for ohhhh lets say 30 gold flugerands is not worth a paltry 5 gold flugarands. Add into that the 5 gold flugarands you’ve had to pay for upkeep and you have really been pillaged good. And what do you have to show for it? A boat that will keep the vikings raping and pillaging you.
The moral of this rant…..Don’t EVER buy a new boat, always buy something used. Even if you have to pump a large chunk of money into it over the years you are still coming out ahead of buying a new boat. Oh and one more tip… NEVER EVER EVER EVER BUY GENERAL MOTORS. Forget the whole “Buy American” thing. I’ll “Buy American” or “Buy Canadian” when you start producing a decent fucking car that doesn’t have the most retarded and annoying problems, i’m sure for a couple more dollars you could put actual parts in the vehicle that won’t disintegrate right on target with your warranty. Oh right, I meant boat not car. Goddamn vikings have me riled up. Seriously don’t buy a GM.
Oh and just so you all know, you’ve all been raped by a Viking. “But I don’t have a boat” you say. Doesn’t matter, people decided that they didn’t want to be raped and pillaged by these vikings. So they decided to rape and pillage the government (ie. YOU) for money so they could continue to build shitty boats and go on with their raping and pillaging. How’s your ass feel now?
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Tagged angry, auto makers, automobiles, automotives, bailout, broke down, buy american, buy canadian, car, car makers, car repair, cars, crap, crappy, general motors, gm, horrible, how to train your dragon, investment, mechanic, pillage, pillaged, repairs, stupid, terrible, vehicle, vehicles, vikings
The few readers who actually read this blog can probably tell by now that Truthfully Lying is a big fan of the ol stick and puck, better known as hockey. We are passionate about the game and our local team to the level of unhealthiness. This level of interest in the game and the NHL makes it almost impossible to consistently read/listen to what form of retardation the NHL head office has manifested on any given day. They have one of the most exciting sporting products in terms of speed, toughness, and sheer talent yet more mundane sports such as Baseball and Basketball continue to outpace them for fans. Nothing against those two sports – well at least nothing about Baseball, basketball….meh.
I’ll give you a quick recap of some of the genius ideas that have come out of the NHL head office and Mr. Bettman’s ridiculous mouth before discussing their latest and greatest idea….it’s a doozy believe me.
Oh look there goes a red rocket! Better yet you also get to see Fox’s genius robots at the end of some of the goals.
Instead of using the talent and toughness of real NHL players to show off how great the sport is the NHL and their advertising agency thought that a big boobed girl dressing a guy in his gear and making him seem like a “warrior” would be the best way to attract fans. Instead it probably confused people while at the same time making the league seem pathetic and bush-league. Good work Gary and co.
And then this morning I read this
I thought it was a joke at first, I couldn’t believe a professional sports league would actually even consider something like this, let alone how ridiculous the explanation around it seems to be. Each “Guardian” will have 5 powers???? Good god. What is the Atlanta Thrasher’s guardian going to do, hatch golden eggs? Is the Edmonton Oiler going to spill oil into the environment – he’s definately my pick for villain. Who in the NHL office thought this would be a good idea? What i’d like to hear is how much money they have already pumped into this jaw dropping project. I’m sure its multi-million already.
So, yet again the NHL has dropped the ball on the marketing of their product by once again refusing to use the talent and toughness of the actual athletes to promote the on ice product. Instead they are hoping to lure 35 year old nerds that still live in their parents basement I believe. As the title of this blog suggests, the only logical superhero name that can be given to Gary Bettman is “The Donkey”. His superpowers are whining, being useless, and shitting on hockey lovers around the world. What a dick.
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Tagged advertising, atlanta thrashers, baseball, basketball, batman, calgary flames, cartoon, comic, comic book, comical, comics, donkey, edmonton oilers, football, gary bettman, head office, hockey, idiot, jackass, marketing, mlb, montreal canadiens, moron, nba, nfl, nhl, players, puck, season, spiderman, sports, stan lee, stupid, superhero, toronto maple leafs, vancouver canucks