Best looking women athletes

I use this term having stolen it from Daniel Tosh. He also probably would not agree with this blog post at all, but fuck it we move forward for the, no doubt, two fans of this blog.

Now, onto the hotties.

Melissa Hollingsworth – Skeleton
A little Canadian patriotism early here because well we have hot ladies and Melissa is at the top of that list. Pictures don’t even do justice to how smoking hot this woman is as she squeezes herself into a tight lycra suit and flys down an ice tube – down boy.  Skeleton athletes need to have strong legs for those quick starts and pushoffs to get them going……Melissa’s just happen to be some of the sexiest out there.

Lindsay Vonn – Downhill Ski
Two sultry ice queens start off the list as they were at the front of my brain as I created this post. But look at this picture and tell me this girl couldn’t be confused with a gorgeous movie actress a la Malin Ackerman or Ellen Pompeo (of Old School fame). Once again a nice tight lycra suit helps to show off Lindsays athletic body and great legs and makes downhill skiing somewhat bearable for the population not from Austria.

Allison Stokke – Pole Vault
That’s right, we’re reaching into the metaphorical, yet true category of sports for this next gorgeous lady. A stand out at Cal University (who knows if she’s good at pole vaulting but she definately stands out in a crowd….ba dump ba dah!) she quickly went viral on the internet before realizing that all the attention was not worth it. So you won’t see any modeling or anything of her online but enjoy the picture of this good looking track athlete. I’m not even going to give the internet people the joy of a well thought out pole joke here, because I respect her too much. Pole Vault teehee.

Isabelle Mercier – Poker
Okay, okay, I know poker isn’t really a sport or an athletic event but I was starting to run out of options. Mercier is a little big more to the yummy mummy side of things but if that lady was staring at you across the poker table we all know you’d go all-in in an effort to impress her, only to have her call your obvious bluff (your tongue hanging out was the giveaway genius) and take all of your chips when you turn over your deuce, eight.

Well that’s all i’ve got, feel free to lip me off and denigrate my manhood but i’m sticking with my choices. If you’re so smart who did I miss? Notice how I didn’t go with the obvious ones that everyone uses (and as Tosh puts it “are 7’s at best”) Jennie Finch, Danica Patrick, Ashley Harkleroad, or Natalie Gulbis.

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Is Brian Burke a reincarnation of JFJ?

It can be argued that Brian Burke was the architect behind the current Vancouver Canucks squad, he was the one that dealt for the top two picks in the draft that netted the Canucks Daniel and Henrik Sedin, two of the top snipers in the NHL these days. It can also be argued that he was the man behind the Anaheim Ducks cup run of 2007, even though he really came on board after they had Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry drafted. However, he was smart enough to draft players like Bobby Ryan and re-sign Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne again and again.

So, he had a lot of cache after a couple of years in Anaheim and of course the Toronto Maple Leafs GM at the time John Ferguson Junior was known as….well lets just say it politely, a fucking idiot. So the Leafs were in desperate need of a strong visionary that had the hockey knowledge and smarts about him to bring them back to a power position in the NHL. They have rabid fans and are the top hockey market in the world so suffice it to say they had their eyes on one and only one man to handle the job once they finally smartened up and fired the man that had made outrageous contract offers with Jason Blake, Pavel Kubina and Bryan McCabe (along with no-trade clauses for all of them). Brian Burke was seen as the star GM in the hockey world and Toronto did everything they could to land him. He would be their way out of the darkness that had enveloped the team.

Or so they thought….

Two years into the journey and Brian Burke is not even remotely handling the job in the proper way. I know when he took the job Burke said he would rebuild the Leafs in a non-traditional way in an effort to expedite the process, but why bother? Do you know how the Anaheim Ducks won the cup Brian? What about the Pittsburgh Penguins? or the Tampa Bay Lighning?

They used their draft picks wisely and built a team around top end draft choices. They tanked the team for three or four years and ended up with 3 or 4 top ten draft picks to build a franchise around. Once you have give your draft picks a chance to get themselves into NHL form through play in the AHL or a couple of seasons worth of learning lessons at the NHL level, start signing some free agents to fill out your roster and patch holes in the defence and forward areas.

Instead he has traded two first round draft picks for a sniper who has no one to play with and has tried to create a formidable blue line which has failed miserably. The first first rounder he traded was promptly turned into Tyler Seguin (the top ranked centre in the 2010 draft) who would have probably been a great fit with their Nazim Kadri selection from 2009. Brian Burke’s calculations in thinking the aquisition of Phil Kessel would be the key to the Leafs making a string of playoff appearances shows about as much mathematical accumen as I did in the pre-calculus college course that landed me on academic probation. His probation will be the Leafs mired in another decade of uselessness as the Boston Bruins reap the riches of the Leafs terribleness instead of Brian Burke.

Unfortunately Toronto hockey fans continue to buy tickets (kudos for not being bandwagon jumpers) which means the Leafs never have the time to tank a season and focus on building from the ground up. Until they change their mantra of “Every year we need to make the playoffs” for a couple of years, they will flounder at the bottom to mid range of the eastern conference. They will soon learn from Edmonton how to take a team from the scrap heap and build it into an entertaining product that sells tickets and has success on the ice.

What time is it Mr. Wolf?

Well kid, Mr. Wolf has no fucking clue what time it is because every single one of the clocks he encounters everyday tells him a different bloody time!

How is it possible that of the 10 to 12 clocks I look at a day none of them have the same time on them. Take for example my workplace, where I am sitting right now, which has three seperate clocks all within eyesite: 9:20 on blackberry, 9:18 on computer, 9:16 on phone console……pardon? They are all electronic and the blackberry and computer are literally networked to each other! How is it possible that there are three different times. How do I know which one to trust so that I leave work the second I’m supposed to instead of giving my company a bonus minute or two of time in the office to make up for writing blog posts at work? Ridiculous.

Thematical musical interlude:

And don’t even get me started on the various clocks at my house. The microwave and oven clocks are obvious toss outs because everyone knows those are never even remotely close to the time, but my laptop, blackberry and television clocks are all skewed so harshly that it is impossible to try and guess when to leave my apartment to try and catch the bus when needed.

And have you ever had this one, where you are looking at the clock in your car which you are pretty confident is bang on accurate and then the radio announcer says “…and current time is 8:24” which is approximately five minutes ahead of what time you actually thought it was according to your dashboard clock.

In a digital age isn’t there some kind of instrument that will just sync all your clocks together to match the greenwich mean time or whatever the worldwide clock that is king to all other clocks tell us? Is there an app for that apple?

Bandwagon sports journalists

Sometimes I wonder how particular sports journalists maintain their job for more than a month. Most sports fans emotions about their favourite team ebb and flow with their current effort levels and success rates. But why does it seem like “professional” jounalists get sucked into this same stream of mindless thinking. Shouldn’t professionals be able to evaluate players/teams and realize when they are over-performing or under performing? For example take Mike Brophy of Sportsnet and his articles about the Toronto Maple Leafs less that two weeks apart.

Article 1, Oct. 27 2010: Phil Kessel for MVP, positive about Leaf’s possibilities for year
Article 2, Nov. 3 2010: Toronto is Loserville, that’s about as negative as it gets

Now I understand that Brophy is probably a Leafs fan and that articles about Toronto will get read lots, but where is his credibility? How can he possibly consider himself a hockey expert when 6 days after he was more giddy than a 10 year old boy that uncovered his mom’s Playgirl collection he has thrown himself off that rainbow covered wagon and is high tailing it like Forrest Gump. We can only hope somebody shoots him in his buttocks. Best quote comes from the second article where he writes:

“The funny thing is, the Leafs struggles this season were not exactly unanticipated. Most picked the Leafs to be in a dog-fight to make the playoffs, but when they got off to a great start, winning their first four games and picking up nine out of a possible 10 points in their first five games, expectations (once again) rocketed through the roof.”

Who helped rocket those expectations Mr. Leaf MVP Candidate?

But it’s not just brophy that flip flops like John Kerry in a presidential debate circa 2006 or whenever it was. The Vancouver Canucks’ media over the first couple of weeks of the season had been attempting to further flame the embers of a possible goalie controversy between Corey Schneider and Roberto Luongo. Now, Luongo has been a fixture in the league for more than 10 years and one of the most solid goalies around for the majority of his career. That, coupled with the fact that Luongo is a notorious slow starter should have kept all the medias mouth’s shut while he struggled for a couple of games and Schneider picked up a couple of wins. Now Luongo has reeled off back-to-back wins including a shutout and most people have forgotten how to spell Schneider.

I realize the rationale behind the media talking in such ways – it illicits a response from the general public and there are enough morons out there that will argue against the logical reasoning, hit the panic button, and go hide in their bomb shelters. It’s the same reason Fox News has so much success in the US.

World Series Prediction

Although i’m sure Bud Selig is tearing his hair out over the fact that neither the Yankees nor the Phillies made it into the big game this year, it is nice to have a couple of fresh faces in the fall classic. One of them is really, really fresh in fact since the Texas Rangers had never won a single playoff series before this year, let alone made it to the World Series. So kudos to them and kudos to the Giants also, who came from out of nowhere before the season started to end up in the big game. I’m sure not many people predicted a Rangers v. Giants world series at the beginning of the year. Since I have no alliances to either of these teams I will put on my sports-wizard hat and predict the winner of this series.

It should be a rather entertaining matchup to watch, although it might not be to everyone’s taste when the first pitch is thrown tonight in San Francisco. These teams both have some serious bats in their lineups, but their meat and potatoes are the marquee pitchers they both sport so expect the games to be low-scoring nail-biters. Definately worth catching at the pub with some friends, and fortunately Mr. Bettman was nice enough to give the Canucks a week long break so we will need to fill that obvious sports void somehow.

I see the lovely, circular flag filled world series trophy being hoisted by the Rangers in 6 games. Cliff Lee will have two of those wins and will be named the MVP, hands down. The guy has never been beat in post season play so maybe a regular contender will smarten up enough to offer the guy a long term contract next year so he doesn’t keep getting traded around. How is it possible that the best playoff pitcher in recent memory has played on 4 teams in the last 2 seasons? Pure craziness.

I see the Rangers’ pitching stifling the Giants’ bats enough to carry them to a series win. The cinderella of the post-season, Cody Ross, will proceed to go 0-for this series and the rest of the Giants hitters will struggle mightily as well. The Rangers have just enough pop in their offense that they should be able to overcome the Giants studly pitching staff and put some runs on the board to support their pitchers. Buster Posey also hasn’t been gunning guys down on the base paths that well this post season so look for the Rangers to try and take advantage of that by swiping bags often.

All-in-all a great way to end another ridiculously long baseball season. But the world series is always worth watching, so make sure you tune in for some good sporting.

Oh and I saw this great article on Yahoo! this morning, turns out Bengie Molina doesn’t care who wins because he gets a ring anyways!

Modern day vikings

I spent yesterday evening watching the rather humorous and totally entertaining movie How to Train Your Dragon, highly recommended. The main characters are vikings, albeit they are nicer than their historical brethren who had a history of making voyages to rape and pillage villages and towns. Well this morning when I woke up I did not think that I would come face to face with a modern day viking.

You see when I was younger I was a whole lot dumber, really really really dumb in fact and that’s when I first ran into vikings. They had taken over a building in this magical thing called a Auto Mall where they erect their modern day homes and proceed to procreate some of the meanest and toughest clans around. This particularly nasty, slimy, and dirty clan went by the initials GM, which is probably the initials of the head clansman. Anyways I walked into this Viking Village to purchase a boat and before I knew it I was being raped and pillaged of my hard earned money. To be fair, it was a mutual raping at this point and I thought I was coming out with something worth my fortunes. What I was really doing was being taught how to bend over, drop my pants, have a sock stuffed into my mouth and then have Thor’s hammer shoved all the way up my ass.

It wasn’t a quick raping though, Vikings are smart. They try to lull you into a happy space with guarantees that they won’t pillage you for so many years for buying a boat off of them. But once that guarantee runs out boy your boat seems to magically start to develop cracks and leaks and both of your automatic key fobs that are the only way to board the boat without it going into an annoying alarmed frenzy don’t work even though you have just had the boat for less than 5 years. Vikings have advanced technology, it’s shitty technology, but they put it their anyways to placate the rapees.

Now once your guarantees run out that is when the Vikings really go to work on your exposed ass and just rape and pillage the shit out of you. You see Vikings even charge you for their efforts to figure out why they are raping you, it’s called a “diagnosis cost”. Even though the boat was viking made, they have no idea why it is falling apart and doing crazy things. This just in Vikings – the diagnosis is you made a shitty boat, with crappy parts and yet you try to play it off as if people are making good investments by buying them from you.

Buying boats or any other vehicles from Vikings is the WORST investment in the history of man. You will always come out on the wrong side. That boat that you bought from them 5 years ago for ohhhh lets say 30 gold flugerands is not worth a paltry 5 gold flugarands. Add into that the 5 gold flugarands you’ve had to pay for upkeep and you have really been pillaged good. And what do you have to show for it? A boat that will keep the vikings raping and pillaging you.

The moral of this rant…..Don’t EVER buy a new boat, always buy something used. Even if you have to pump a large chunk of money into it over the years you are still coming out ahead of buying a new boat. Oh and one more tip… NEVER EVER EVER EVER BUY GENERAL MOTORS. Forget the whole “Buy American” thing. I’ll “Buy American” or “Buy Canadian” when you start producing a decent fucking car that doesn’t have the most retarded and annoying problems, i’m sure for a couple more dollars you could put actual parts in the vehicle that won’t disintegrate right on target with your warranty. Oh right, I meant boat not car. Goddamn vikings have me riled up. Seriously don’t buy a GM.

Oh and just so you all know, you’ve all been raped by a Viking. “But I don’t have a boat” you say. Doesn’t matter, people decided that they didn’t want to be raped and pillaged by these vikings. So they decided to rape and pillage the government (ie. YOU) for money so they could continue to build shitty boats and go on with their raping and pillaging. How’s your ass feel now?

Taste gets better with age

I recently partook in a study to determine the effects of aging on the taste of music and was surprised to hear the results. The study was commissioned, designed, deployed and participated by yours truly so to say it is indicative of the entire population of the world would be accurate.

Remember the first time you took a sip of your dad’s wine spritzer or your mom’s can of Wildcat? Tasted like crap didn’t it? If you said it tasted like lucky charms then you are probably a drunk who is reading this from the gutters of society, in which case we’d like to thank you for reading and for offering less competition to us finding good jobs. Anyhow, over the years the taste of alcohol grew on you and now most adults find themselves enjoying these delicious beverages at least a few times a week. Well it dawned on me during this thorough study that my taste in music has gotten a lot better with age as well. Now not everyone has the musical pedigree of myself, I once played the opening riff of “Satisfaction” on a guitar, but seemingly peoples taste in music gets a little more eclectic and enjoys more talent put into the work. A band like The Arcade Fire may have sounded like that first taste of liquor back when you were 14 – harsh, rough, and a distinct aftertaste that left you on the verge of puking. Come forward 10 or 15 years and you realize the complexity and intricacies of each song that make it smooth and delicious just like a full-bodied beaujolais, see I know wine too. Sure I still love when Katy Perry get’s my heart racing in her skin tight jeans when she’s my teenage dream tonight. And who doesn’t love Kid Cudi’s pursuit of happiness by drinking and driving and not giving a shit. But with each passing year of age people seem to respect a little more thought and talent put into what goes into their ears.

Anyways, this was really just a reason for me to post some songs that everyone should be listening to now because, well, I said so.

Brandon Flowers – Only the Young from his CD Flamingo

Mt. Desolation – A state of our Affairs from their yet to be named album

The New Pornographers – Moves from their album Together

And because I mentioned the Arcade Fire, here is an oldie but a goodie.

The Arcade Fire – Rebellion/Lies from the album Funeral