I spent yesterday evening watching the rather humorous and totally entertaining movie How to Train Your Dragon, highly recommended. The main characters are vikings, albeit they are nicer than their historical brethren who had a history of making voyages to rape and pillage villages and towns. Well this morning when I woke up I did not think that I would come face to face with a modern day viking.
You see when I was younger I was a whole lot dumber, really really really dumb in fact and that’s when I first ran into vikings. They had taken over a building in this magical thing called a Auto Mall where they erect their modern day homes and proceed to procreate some of the meanest and toughest clans around. This particularly nasty, slimy, and dirty clan went by the initials GM, which is probably the initials of the head clansman. Anyways I walked into this Viking Village to purchase a boat and before I knew it I was being raped and pillaged of my hard earned money. To be fair, it was a mutual raping at this point and I thought I was coming out with something worth my fortunes. What I was really doing was being taught how to bend over, drop my pants, have a sock stuffed into my mouth and then have Thor’s hammer shoved all the way up my ass.
It wasn’t a quick raping though, Vikings are smart. They try to lull you into a happy space with guarantees that they won’t pillage you for so many years for buying a boat off of them. But once that guarantee runs out boy your boat seems to magically start to develop cracks and leaks and both of your automatic key fobs that are the only way to board the boat without it going into an annoying alarmed frenzy don’t work even though you have just had the boat for less than 5 years. Vikings have advanced technology, it’s shitty technology, but they put it their anyways to placate the rapees.
Now once your guarantees run out that is when the Vikings really go to work on your exposed ass and just rape and pillage the shit out of you. You see Vikings even charge you for their efforts to figure out why they are raping you, it’s called a “diagnosis cost”. Even though the boat was viking made, they have no idea why it is falling apart and doing crazy things. This just in Vikings – the diagnosis is you made a shitty boat, with crappy parts and yet you try to play it off as if people are making good investments by buying them from you.
Buying boats or any other vehicles from Vikings is the WORST investment in the history of man. You will always come out on the wrong side. That boat that you bought from them 5 years ago for ohhhh lets say 30 gold flugerands is not worth a paltry 5 gold flugarands. Add into that the 5 gold flugarands you’ve had to pay for upkeep and you have really been pillaged good. And what do you have to show for it? A boat that will keep the vikings raping and pillaging you.
The moral of this rant…..Don’t EVER buy a new boat, always buy something used. Even if you have to pump a large chunk of money into it over the years you are still coming out ahead of buying a new boat. Oh and one more tip… NEVER EVER EVER EVER BUY GENERAL MOTORS. Forget the whole “Buy American” thing. I’ll “Buy American” or “Buy Canadian” when you start producing a decent fucking car that doesn’t have the most retarded and annoying problems, i’m sure for a couple more dollars you could put actual parts in the vehicle that won’t disintegrate right on target with your warranty. Oh right, I meant boat not car. Goddamn vikings have me riled up. Seriously don’t buy a GM.
Oh and just so you all know, you’ve all been raped by a Viking. “But I don’t have a boat” you say. Doesn’t matter, people decided that they didn’t want to be raped and pillaged by these vikings. So they decided to rape and pillage the government (ie. YOU) for money so they could continue to build shitty boats and go on with their raping and pillaging. How’s your ass feel now?