Monthly Archives: September 2010

Sap-craptacular Happy Endings

When was the last time you saw a movie that didn’t end with two people smiling at each other in a fully blooming meadow with bunnies, sunshine, lollipops, rainbows and every other happy thing on planet earth going on in the background. Exageration??? Maybe. But when was the last time you saw a movie that didn’t end with everything working out perfectly and all the “good” people in the movie living happily ever after? Maybe recently, if you’ve seen The Town – which is bad ass and a definate must watch/must buy if you haven’t already. But even in that movie they worked hard to send movie-goers home happy.

Let me back up a couple of paces though and at least inform our readers what this rant is based on.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
If you’ve seen it then you no doubt know exactly what i’m talking about. If you haven’t seen it, I may ruin the ending here but don’t worry you don’t want to see it anyways. Actually, rent it or something so you can laugh at how ridiculously cheesy and pathetic the ending is.

Quick synopsis: Gordon Gecko (Michael Douglas) gets out of jail after serving 8 years for white collar crime, happened in Wall Street , and his daughter Winnie (Carey Mulligan) is marrying stock broker Jacob (Shia Leboef) and doesn’t have a relationship with her father. After the markets crash a la 2008 a company (clean fusion energy start up) Jacob was raising money for needs 100 million to keep it going. Jacob starts talking to Gordon behind Winnies back eventually finding out Gordon put money away for Winnie in a Swiss bank account which conveniently is worth 100 mil. Jacob tries to get the money from Winnie but Gordon steals it because he’s a swindling money sucker, and Jacob ends up losing Winnie and the money all after he has just found out Winnie is preggers. End of movie right, we all know Gecko is a dick and Jacob was an idiot that didn’t listen to his Fiance. Nope, Jacob finds Gecko sneaks into his office and shows him his grandson’s ultrasound. A little while later Gordon has a change of heart and in the final scene asks if he can try to be a father again to the grandson and then Winnie and Jacob get back together and kiss. Brutal.

How desperate are we to see everything work out just perfectly in the end. Why can our population not take an ending that sometimes maybe doesn’t work out great for everyone or shows the perspective of “sometimes life just sucks”. That must be the reason these writers are ending movies in such an obvious, pathetic way. Sure if this movie was a ro-com I would expect such a result, but in a movie about the crash of Wall Street and an entire nation you would think the ending could be a little more somber. Greed is bad, but greed keeps winning the battles against the powers of good. Realistic and more appropriate than cuddly bunny, bedtime story endings.

To be fair to Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps though even if the ending was different the movie probably still would have been subpar thanks to a cheesy cameo by Charlie Sheen (who apparently can’t act at all) and some weird filmography that tried to make a story about financial markets too artistic with weird filming techniques and some strange scene transitions.

If you’re going to see a movie, go see The Town.

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Is Angelina Jolie “hot” anymore?

Remember when those relatively terrible Tomb Raider Movies came out and they skyrocketed, well maybe air ballooned, to success? What was the reason for the success – the script? the cinematography? Nope. It was all about Angelina Jolie looking sexy and wrapped up in skin-tight clothing that every computer nerd wished their girlfriend would wear….wait a minute that’s not right. Dreamed their imaginary girlfriend, who looks a lot like Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, wore everyday.

Then came Mr. & Mrs. Smith, Angelina Jolie dressed like a dominatrix as she wrestles Brad Pitt (dude’s a good looking man) away from the unquestionable beauty of Jennifer Aniston. She topped the sexy lists and played a key roll in men’s, and no doubt women’s, one-hand stands with themselves. She was saucy, an apparent sex fiend, and downright gorgeous. The perfect storm of sexiness every guy dreams about and every guy-who-dreams-about-her’s girlfriend scoffs haughtily at.

Skip forward a couple of years and sure, she has gone a little crazy with snatching kids up from every possible country on the planet, but she’s still Angelina Jolie – Sex Goddess. The things dreams are made up of. But then you started to see more images like this…

Those veins are crazy and they are an instant dick-limpener. So you think, okay she’s just getting older, these things happen.  A quick googling shows she is just 35 this year!!!!! When you are getting out-aged by Julia Roberts, Sharon Stone, and even Helen Miren then it is time to turn in your status as “Hot” i’m afraid.

So who does that leave as the automatic topper of most sexy lists? Hmm sounds like a post that could be fun to write. As a self-accredited journblogalist I will definately have to do some serious research to make sure I do this story justice. I won’t take the easy route and just give it to Megan Fox or Bar Rafaeli without offering up other possible sex symbols. This will be my War and Peace.

Worst Sports Teams Logos

Having a home sports team to root and cheer for is a beautiful thing. Having one with a great logo makes it all the easier to display your pride in your team without looking like a dickhead. That jerk I invited to my 7th birthday party didn’t quite grasp that concept as he showed up with a teal green Florida Marlins hat that he thought I would wear. Nice try, I don’t live in Florida, and i’m hopefully not tripping on ecstasy at that age so I have no use for it.

The Marlins have been smart enough to clean up the look since those disastrous starting days and to be honest, the logo isn’t actually that bad. But here are some organizations/cities that should truly be ashamed of the logos/brands they have created. Oh and for those teams that are mentioned below don’t take the approach of “Well that’s just your opinion buddy”. Take a pro-active approach and talk to your mayor, president, prime minister, premier, governor or whoever else will listen and try to make a change in this world. Either that or just live with the fact that your team has a shitty logo and will probably never win a championship.

Atlanta Thrashers

Is a violent rooster really the best that a hockey team from Georgia could do? Then they added on that lovely font of writing which apparently turns the rooster into a serial killer from some kind of B scary movie. You might as well have gone for the Atlanta Peaches. The worse part is that they made the colours of the logo completely hideous. I give them another 2-3 years before they do a full-on logo redesign and hopefully come up with something half decent. On a side note, is Georgia some kind of bird sanctuary? Atlanta Falcons, Atlanta hawks, Atlanta Thrashers. Oh and making the third jerseys a lovely robin’s egg blue isn’t so good either.

Arizona Diamondbacks

This is one of my favourites because after their initial disastrous logo they sat down and thought “Hmm, this thing is a real piece of shit. What should we do?” So they changed the colours. Genius. The “A” and the writing is still too comical to take a professional sports team serious and the colours are only minimally better. In fact, they just piggybacked on the Phoenix Coyotes new colour scheme. So, Georgia has birds, Arizona has mud brick red, black and white.

Apparently they haven’t heard the phrase “You can cover a shit pie in as much icing as you want, but it’s still a shit pie”. Probably because I just made that up, well at least I think I did.

Golden State Warriors

What came first, the clip art looking Washington Wizard or the Golden State Warrior? I don’t know but I’m taking a shot and saying the Wiz came first. The reason I say this is because these logos make me think of one another….not really what you want when you are competing teams. Anyways they both suck, but since the Warrior people didn’t pick up the fact that they look remarkably similar i’ve decided to ring them up for a terrible logo choice. Warriors is a cool enough name but where does the lightning bolt as a weapon enter the ring? Is Golden State known for their lightning storms? Or do they just produce a lot of electricity? I don’t know. What I do know is that they have shit the bed on the rebranding of their basketball team. Oh and in case you didn’t know that the Warriors play basketball they were nice enough to put a big orange ball in back of the logo, like the sun glistening down on the fearless lightning warrior/electrical technician.

Cleveland Browns

On one hand I really appreciate the Cleveland Browns lack of effort on a logo, but in terms of making fans happy how can you possibly get excited about a team logo that is literally a football helmet painted……orange????
“Excuse me, our team is named the browns”
“Yeah but brown is such a shitty colour, nobody would want to wear that. We are going to go with orange”

Stunning.

In another sense, the logo is brilliant because it truly symbolizes the lack of caring on the players and team managements part about their team. So maybe that was what they were going for, and if so….then I think we can all agree the Browns’ logo is spot on.

Office Politics – Wedding/Baby Showers

I hate working in an office full of ladies because they all feel the need to celebrate everything. Don’t get me wrong, some things are worthy of celebration and i’m more than happy to give you a slap on the shoulder and an ‘atta girl when you finally come clean that the 50 pounds you’ve put on while wolfing down McDonald’s is due to being pregnant. Cool, congratulations, how awesome for you.

Fin

That should be the end of it, right there….but noooooo everyone needs to get together and have a baby shower for your co-worker that you may or may not like. Oh and we’re going to get her a baby basket full of stuff she’ll need so why don’t you go ahead and fork over some cash. What??? Oh and guess what, Susie is getting married we’ll need some money to throw her a wedding shower.

NO!

Here’s an idea, why don’t you tell them to get friends of their own. That way they can annoy their friends with their wedding plans or morning sickness stories, because I don’t need to hear them. And if you’re the one organizing these shindigs…well maybe you should get some friends of your own that you can throw these parties for. Why would I keep spending my money on people I am not friends with but am forced to be friendly with thanks to the close confines of a workplace. Karma points? Forget that, I got a foul ball at a baseball game and gave it to the kid in front of me, i’m covered for a while.

Where are the celebrations for me, I’m not going to be producing a baby anytime soon nor am I getting married, yet i’ve had to sink $150-200 over the past couple of years into this type of party.

How do you say “Fuck off” politely when someone comes around asking for money for a co-workers event that you want to have nothing to do with??? It’s just one of those questions, like Why is the sky blue?

I know this sounds like the ramblings of a bitter, angry co-worker but really it breaks down to this simple point – I would never buy presents for some of these people in real life, so why does working with them change that at all? Set up an anonymous gift donation jar somewhere and people can contribute to that person’s event if they like. Maybe that will teach your co-workers to be more friendly in hopes of getting more money for better presents at their showers – which will, no doubt, happen. Good thing i’m not having one soon because my donation jar would be empty…..and i’d be quite alright with that.

Comics that’ll keep you laughing

Everybody loves a good video of a monkey eating their own shit on youtube or some girl getting smacked in the face by her own attempt to slingshot a watermelon, but Youtube also offers you a chance to view some of the best stand up comedy around. I personally feel that stand up comedy does not get enough attention from the majority of the population, I can only imagine how hard it is to stand up on a stage while some drunk retard who thinks he is funnier than you hurls lame insults from the 3rd row. Talented stand up comics write material that relates directly to you and allows you to laugh about that weird thing that you thought you were the only person in the world that that happened to. They also are able to take issues that no one else is willing to talk about (race, mental health, drinking, drugs) and allow people to laugh about them instead of the topics being too racy for people to discuss normally. I highly recommend you keep your eyes open for talented Stand up comics that come to your home town, it is always an entertaining way to spend a night.

Here are some of the funniest ones out there:

Dave Attell
Make sure you catch: Skanks for the Memories

Daniel Tosh
Make sure you check out: Daniel Tosh: Completely Serious

Louis CK
Make sure you check out: Chewed Up

Dave Mordal
Make sure you check out: He’s the host of Wreckreation Nation but it’s tough to find a CD or anything from him.

MISMANAGEMENT – Usually gets you fired

Does anybody else have a hard time figuring out the way the NHL does business? The fans of the NHL were forced to miss out on an entire season of NHL hockey in 2005 when the owners of the NHL decided to lock out the players and force them into a salary cap. Now, I am a fan of the salary cap, it puts all 30 teams on a level playing field and the best managed, developed and coached teams are the ones that are winning the Stanley Cup. The fact that there hasn’t been a repeat winner since the 90’s is probably due to the fact that the GM’s and management of the NHL don’t seem to be the brightest. Look no further then Darryl Sutter and his recent handy work with the Calgary Flames. Prior to the lock-out in 2004-2005 the teams with the deepest pockets were able to buy all of the talented players and essentially buy the championship. As a fan of a relatively small market team, due to the disparity in the Canadian Dollar versus the American Dollar it was a tad annoying losing constantly to Detroit, Colorado and co. and their stacked line ups. So, the agreed upon CBA was a welcome sight and the changes that followed made the “new” NHL a more exciting game. The arrivals of Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin didn’t hurt either.

The part that has irked me is that the NHL owners got together and forced the players into a situation where they had to accept the salary cap. But, who were the owners protecting them selves from? At the end of the day it is the owners who are signing the checks and agreeing to pay players ridiculous amounts of money. The salary cap was a tool that has become a necessity to protect the owners from themselves. So, what do the owners do the second the salary cap comes into play? They take off their NHL hats and turn into irresponsible imbeciles. They begin to examine the CBA and find ways that they can circumvent the cap so that they can pay these players
the type of money that they complain about later. If I was a player in the NHL, why wouldn’t I accept a $102 million contract that is going to pay me millions of dollars until I am 44 and no longer playing the game. What person in their right mind is going to say “no” to a lifetime contract that guarantees all of that money?!

The recent news of the NHL, rejecting the Illya Kovalchuck agreement is a real head scratcher because there have been countless other long-term deals of similar ilk. The only difference in this deal then others is that Mr. Lamoreillo was a little too aggressive with the length of the deal and he didn’t leave much salary at the back-end. The owner of the NJ Devils signed the deal and it is his arrogant commissioner, Gary Bettman, “Mr. No National TV Deal”, who rejected it and is now “investigating” several other “lifetime deals” like Roberto Luongo in Vancouver, Marc Savard in Boston, Chris Pronger in Philadelphia, Marian Hossa in Chicago and I’m sure countless others. It just seems like one massive, critical mistake after another which is inevitably going to affect the fan once more when the current CBA expires. I am sure the posturing and propaganda is about to start any day now and the owners will paint the players like selfish, spoiled little children again. How can they let all of these deals go and then all of sudden reject one? News reports making the rounds in recent weeks suggest that the NHL wasn’t fond of the long-term deals, but the fact is they never did anything about it. They registered all of the deals and rubber stamped them, why now are they doing something about it? They created the CBA, ratified it and then shot holes in it like it is target practice. A real commissioner would have seriously considered rejecting the first “lifetime deal” and would have fined the owner in question. It is going to be interesting to see how this all plays out, but I just don’t see how this is going to look good for the NHL. They have nobody to blame but themselves and they make the players and fans the scape goats. Another lockout in 2012 is going to hurt and it may be equally as long as the 2004-2005 fiasco, because the owners and management of the NHL have screwed themselves over again.